I think in a very literal fashion. I understand sarcasm and irony, but I will miss their uses, especially if I don’t have spoken tone to assist me. When people ask me a question, they are usually not asking me that question but instead an entirely different question that I am supposed to infer from them asking that first question. For example:
“Are you free this weekend?”
This question is a trap. It is fully intended to hint that the questioner would like to spend time with you if you are free, but in no way indicates this in its phrasing. There’s no explanation of what the thing is going to be, when it’s going to be, or how long it’s supposed to last.
It also doesn’t give an explanation as to at what point of the weekend I’m supposed to be answering about. Surely no one is free an entire weekend, what with sleeping and eating and using the bathroom. Am I free in the morning? During lunch time? Around dinner? Which day for dinner?
People find my confusion obnoxious. They don’t understand where it comes from, and why I’m making a simple question complicated, despite the fact that simple questions often don’t include important details for being able to respond to the question.
So, I’ve instead learned to lie, and while I am technically free for five hours on Saturday and two hours on Sunday, I already mentally was planning on binge watching a tv show I’ve already seen during these hours. So while the answer to what they asked me for a question is yes, I lie and say no, because what they really want to ask me is if I want to hang out with them during my free time, and the answer to that is no, especially with no indication as to what they’re doing.
Sometimes people ask questions that require me to lie because the point of the question is to inform me they’re doing something, not to actually ask the question. For example:
Man approaches me while I’m on the metro. He points at the seat next to me and says, “Do you mind if I sit there?”
“No, go ahead.” I reply, because it is way easier to lie and say I don’t mind then to go into the logic that I can’t exactly stop him from sitting there, especially when there aren’t any other places for him to sit. And I can’t simply get up and stand instead of sitting next to him, because that would be unnecessarily dramatic in the eyes of other people. Personal space is not something public spaces allow for.
The man sits next to me, and I spend the next twelve minutes until my stop unable to stop thinking about anything but the feeling of his arm pressed against mine, or the way I have to keep my legs uncomfortably positioned to avoid accidentally knocking into his manspread.
I wish I could be honest with people, but honesty is not always the best policy. Sometimes you will confuse someone more by being honest about how you feel, rather than just lying to get to the point.
Do I prefer lying? No, not at all. I dislike that I have to do it. But the best way for them to interpret my meaning is for me to lie, because my honest answer would be rude and/or unnecessarily long. For example:
“Are you free this weekend?”
“Well, I am free during certain times of the weekend, but I did mentally prepare to blissfully be doing nothing, so I guess it depends on if the offer you have for me is better than doing nothing.”
And:
“Do you mind if I sit there?”
“Yes, I am uncomfortable with physical contact with strangers, so I would prefer one of us stands than both of us sit. I was here first, but how badly do you need to sit?”
Now, you may look at those and think it’s perfectly reasonable for me to say something like that. Or you may not. But I’m less eloquent when I’m talking to random strangers, and it’s more likely to come out as “Yes, I mind. I don’t like strangers touching me.”
I wouldn’t even suggest the standing. I would just leave us there, him hovering too close because he didn’t expect me to stop him even though, in my defense, he did ask. And if he sat down anyway, I wouldn’t do anything, because I couldn’t actually stop him. It was public transport. So he can either sit down anyway, stand awkwardly nearby, or walk to a different metro car. All of these scenarios end with him and every one around us thinking I’m rude because I didn’t lie.
So you can see why I may lie to better communicate in some scenarios, because while I may not prefer to have the stranger sit next to me, it is within his right to, and I don’t want to seem like a bitch for being honest.